Venting.

My current state of mind: Optimism--"an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome". It is the philosophical opposite of pessimism.

It is quite difficult to admit the mistakes that I have most recently made because I knew what was going to happen before it even happened. Sometimes I give people the benefit of the doubt becaue I always see the best in people, one of the main reasons I always end up hurt at the end of a relationship. After putting myself through a year and a half of a complete lie, I somehow continue to find myself gravitating towards the same scenario: a male who has a mouthpiece but no actions to back it up. I honestly shouldn't be as upset as I am right now but I can't help but be frustrated with the fact that I let myself do this over and over again.

I try to see everything as a lesson in life, something that God has planned for us in order to learn and better ourselves or the next chapters of our life...but I seem to repeat some situations more than once...even though I have already learned the lesson before. I guess after all of this it is safe to say that you can't give someone an ounce of trust until they earn it.

But I am optimistic. And I can't let everything get the best of me. I just can't wait for it to be over and done with. Whatever God continues to bring these situations in my life for, I can't wait until they are over. It's almost as if they are tests and I keep falling for them.

2011 is a new me. Time to brush off the old and ring in the new...bigger & better.

<3 t


**photo is just something to add a little spunk--a new attitude

boom.

Blast from the past! Wilson F.L.A.M.E. OH how I miss high school...sometimes. Lol. But mostly just this aspect. Being a part of a group of individuals that loved each other no matter how aggitated we got with one another. <3>

Day Two

This year has gone by far too fast. I can remember almost exactly what I was doing on this very day last year and I can say that with knowing what was going on then and how far I have come now, I am truly blessed. This past year has been far too good to me in the sense that it has taught me many lessons in a shorter period of time than they have ever taken before. Whether it be the lessons I have learned on relationships, friendships or just with my own personal choices, I am glad that I got them over with so that I can live the rest of my life knowing exactly what I want and who I want to be.

My biggest accomplishment this year would have to be that of which I found my relationship with God. Being baptized on September 11, 2010 was the biggest step towards finding myself. I found guidance and home in a church that has truly given me a reason to live and push forward each day that I have on this earth. New Beginnings is where I want to spend the rest of my life, working for God through the many ministires that are avilable and educating as many individuals on the spirit of the Lord that I am able and willing to speak to. I am so thankful for the true friends that I have realized are in my life and that I can call them my family, without them I would not be where I am today. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing women to help me get through all of my struggles. I thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for every breath that I am able to take and every step that I make towards my destiny in life.

As I sit and ponder about the adventures that I endured this past year, I can only imagine what I will go through in the upcoming year of 2011. I'm almost to my graduation, which I can hardly believe, but starting my life outside of education is something that I have longed for and hopefully means the start to a new relationship that I can have with myself and the people in my life. There is no telling what God has in store for me but I know that whatever it is, it is going to be great. God is good, all of the time and he knows my needs therefore I am going for my wants and dreams.

Only a few more days left in this year. Once that midnight mark hits on Jan 1, 2011, I am changing many aspects of my life. I know that I am young and we only live once so I take every opportunity that I am given but I need to clean up my act and focus on whats ahead of me.

--T

Coming to an end..

As the days dwindle down to few in the year of 2010... I can truly say that it has been a rollercoaster. With the new year approaching, I have decided to begin my blogging adventure on a daily basis-- bible verse, song & picture of the day--will begin as soon as tomorrow. In that time, I will reflect on everything that has happened and my dreams for the future, just as soon as I get some rest.

-t

months gone by

My last blog was months ago and i feel like so much has gone on since then. At that point in my life i wasn't quite sure what was going on or where I was going to be. I was going through a lot of emotions and personal growth that has allowed me to find my place in this world, for the most part that is. I went through some of the hardest months yet, school wise, and feel that with that I can accomplish anything at this point. But where do I start...

I got accepted into the Teaching Education program at WWU and am an official PEHR Major.
Waterpolo season is going great and it looks like we will be placing nicely for championships although I won't be able to attend our last tournament and here is why...

I got accepted into the cast of The Naked Truth on Stereotypes. A huge performance at WWU that bashes all the stereotypes that many individuals have experienced in their lifetime and want to put out there that are hurtful. This is a huge step for me because for so long I have held back so many feelings. Nobody wants to be judged, and through this experience I will be able to share my voice about how I truly feel and what I have experienced. I am really nervous because of how emotional I am, I know this is going to be an experience that I will never be able to forget and something that is going to allow me to grow for the better.

One last thing that I need to talk about, i met a boy and I couldn't be happier right now. He is amazing and has really changed my outlook on everything from before. I was anxious at first and didn't really know what to expect. But I let it happen. We've had some major obstacles that we have overcome, but it proves that we can get through anything. I am really praying that his feelings are honest and true but at this point I have no real reason to think otherwise. He has been open and honest and he cares. Even if he doesn't think he is able to show it, he does. I hope all of this is going to turn out the way I would hope for it to.

More to come....

---pebbss

i may never know...

I just got done with my first summer quarter...and I can't complain about how it went. I really think that it kept me in line but I definitely was in need of a break. For the last month and a half all that I have been doing is working out, going to school and working. I have hardly had time to hang out with friends or do anything for myself. So last wednesday I took my health final, ran home to pack up the car and hit the road home! I was so excited to come home because I was going to see people that I hadn't seen in a very long time and it was going to feel so good to just be stress free and be having fun with the people I love most.

Well, this break has really got me thinking... Is what I am doing with my life right now, really what I want to do!? Do I really want to be a teacher!? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life making lesson plans and having the biggest impact on the lives of our future leaders...? I am so confused. You know, I never really had the opportunity to think about what I want to do. Of course I have had summer vacations and breaks here and there. BUt I have never really just taken time to myself and done something relaxing to allow myself to think about my future. I just jumped right into college, right into the teaching mentality and dont really know if this is what I want to be doing anymore.... but how do I decide? Who do I go for to get some encouragement and advice?

I bought a camera. A really nice camera. I listen to music all day every day and I love the atmosphere that comes about with both of these hobbies. I have always wanted to do something with my photography but what? Should I change schools and go somewhere that I can become a photographer and do something that I love to do for the rest of my life...or do I continue to pursue a career as a teacher and have make a difference in the lives of so many individuals. I mean, I can always go back to school to do either thing, but do I really want to start teaching NOW? I don't even know what to do with myself. I second guess my actions every day because I am so confused.

Who do I go to to get the right advice, who can i turn to for some bit of encouragement that will really lead me down the right path, to the life that I can live where I will be happy for eternity and meet people who will give me strength and happiness in the adventures that I endure. I want to spend the rest of my life outdoors, traveling and seeing things that nobody else will see. Can I do this as a teacher? I don't know. I don't know. I may never know.

Please help me.

<3

contemplation

No more worries. He's gone and I feel so much better. I mean the relationship we had, you wouldn't have called it perfect. He was a liar and I am aware of that. I just thought that he was the best. He was my first relationship and as much as I didn't want to let go I had to. For months I had been contemplating on wether or not to just let it go but I could never find the words. I was always 'too scared' and didn't want to be the one to hurt him. My heart is too big to hurt anybody but at the same time I didn't want to be hurt either. I was just waiting and waiting for something to be said. I mean I brought up the conversation in April...and it took until July for something to be said. And during those three months, things got really phishy. I don't want to disclose too much information but things weren't right. Contact was lost for weeks at a time, he was living with his 'girl' friend and was always with her, yet, nothing was going on between the two of them. Things just got really weird and since our lasat mishap I just never fully trusted him again. He isn't the type that can have just one, but it makes me wonder what I could have done to be enough? I mean I did A LOT for him and I gave him everything! Literally. I would give up every moment of every day if I could spend time with him. I went out of my way to spend time with him and try to make plans with him. And now, I finally realize this was not a good relationship. He NEVER initiated coming to see me, he NEVER went out of his way to do something for me, he NEVER paid for me, he NEVER told me the truth about the past. He wasn't honest with me. And the sad part about everything is that I was aware of all of this, it always sat in the back of my mind, yet I never cared. I thought that I was just coming up with stories and that it couldn't be. I had too much faith in him and I thoght that he was the perfect one for me. I mean, he is an amazing person and a good friend. But not ready for a committed relationship.
The day that I got his voicemail saying we needed to talk, I knew something was up. He told me that he felt bad for holding me back from finding someone new and that he wasn't in any state to be in a relationship. But what struck me as surprising was that he told me he felt like he took advantage of me and used me. I'm glad he admitted that to me. And now I have learned my lesson to NEVER spend a penny on a single man. What I am proud of myself for is that I don't miss him. Instead I feel this weight has been removed from my shoulder, I don't have any committment, although I never should have because he wasn't committed to me. And I have NO regrets. I did love him and I did give him every little bit of me but it wasn't fair that I didn't receive that in return.
Now, I need to find my true SUGA BEAR. My true SUGA PIE. Someone who is going to treat me like a Queen. Someone who is going to love every bit of me for who I am. Someone who is going to make me a priority. Someone who is going to surprise me with my favorite smoothie (raspberry!). Someone who is going to show up at my house randomly during the day. Someone who is going to give me my favorite single white rose. Someone who is going to go out of their way to come visit me. Man oh man. I need someone who is going to spoil me rotten. Well maybe not rotten but never ask for or expect me to pay for our dates. I deserve so much more than I received.
Phew! It feels amazing to get all of that out. I am so glad that my friends were there for me when I needed advice, and although they all hated the relationship that I was in, they respected the fact that I needed to learn and to grow from what I was going through. Thank you all for that. The only thing that sucks about this whole situation is that he has the gratification to know that he ended it. I shouldn't have been so scared but I am glad that it's over. I hope that one day whoever he decides is everything he needs, will truly get all of him. He has the potential to be the most amazing husband ever, he just needs to get through the years of having any girl he pleases. He'll be an amazing father too. So whoever that girl is will be lucky but for now, I hope he just doesn't continue to do to other girls that he did to me. Even half the truth is a lie.

sweet escape.