contemplation

No more worries. He's gone and I feel so much better. I mean the relationship we had, you wouldn't have called it perfect. He was a liar and I am aware of that. I just thought that he was the best. He was my first relationship and as much as I didn't want to let go I had to. For months I had been contemplating on wether or not to just let it go but I could never find the words. I was always 'too scared' and didn't want to be the one to hurt him. My heart is too big to hurt anybody but at the same time I didn't want to be hurt either. I was just waiting and waiting for something to be said. I mean I brought up the conversation in April...and it took until July for something to be said. And during those three months, things got really phishy. I don't want to disclose too much information but things weren't right. Contact was lost for weeks at a time, he was living with his 'girl' friend and was always with her, yet, nothing was going on between the two of them. Things just got really weird and since our lasat mishap I just never fully trusted him again. He isn't the type that can have just one, but it makes me wonder what I could have done to be enough? I mean I did A LOT for him and I gave him everything! Literally. I would give up every moment of every day if I could spend time with him. I went out of my way to spend time with him and try to make plans with him. And now, I finally realize this was not a good relationship. He NEVER initiated coming to see me, he NEVER went out of his way to do something for me, he NEVER paid for me, he NEVER told me the truth about the past. He wasn't honest with me. And the sad part about everything is that I was aware of all of this, it always sat in the back of my mind, yet I never cared. I thought that I was just coming up with stories and that it couldn't be. I had too much faith in him and I thoght that he was the perfect one for me. I mean, he is an amazing person and a good friend. But not ready for a committed relationship.
The day that I got his voicemail saying we needed to talk, I knew something was up. He told me that he felt bad for holding me back from finding someone new and that he wasn't in any state to be in a relationship. But what struck me as surprising was that he told me he felt like he took advantage of me and used me. I'm glad he admitted that to me. And now I have learned my lesson to NEVER spend a penny on a single man. What I am proud of myself for is that I don't miss him. Instead I feel this weight has been removed from my shoulder, I don't have any committment, although I never should have because he wasn't committed to me. And I have NO regrets. I did love him and I did give him every little bit of me but it wasn't fair that I didn't receive that in return.
Now, I need to find my true SUGA BEAR. My true SUGA PIE. Someone who is going to treat me like a Queen. Someone who is going to love every bit of me for who I am. Someone who is going to make me a priority. Someone who is going to surprise me with my favorite smoothie (raspberry!). Someone who is going to show up at my house randomly during the day. Someone who is going to give me my favorite single white rose. Someone who is going to go out of their way to come visit me. Man oh man. I need someone who is going to spoil me rotten. Well maybe not rotten but never ask for or expect me to pay for our dates. I deserve so much more than I received.
Phew! It feels amazing to get all of that out. I am so glad that my friends were there for me when I needed advice, and although they all hated the relationship that I was in, they respected the fact that I needed to learn and to grow from what I was going through. Thank you all for that. The only thing that sucks about this whole situation is that he has the gratification to know that he ended it. I shouldn't have been so scared but I am glad that it's over. I hope that one day whoever he decides is everything he needs, will truly get all of him. He has the potential to be the most amazing husband ever, he just needs to get through the years of having any girl he pleases. He'll be an amazing father too. So whoever that girl is will be lucky but for now, I hope he just doesn't continue to do to other girls that he did to me. Even half the truth is a lie.

sweet escape.