i may never know...

I just got done with my first summer quarter...and I can't complain about how it went. I really think that it kept me in line but I definitely was in need of a break. For the last month and a half all that I have been doing is working out, going to school and working. I have hardly had time to hang out with friends or do anything for myself. So last wednesday I took my health final, ran home to pack up the car and hit the road home! I was so excited to come home because I was going to see people that I hadn't seen in a very long time and it was going to feel so good to just be stress free and be having fun with the people I love most.

Well, this break has really got me thinking... Is what I am doing with my life right now, really what I want to do!? Do I really want to be a teacher!? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life making lesson plans and having the biggest impact on the lives of our future leaders...? I am so confused. You know, I never really had the opportunity to think about what I want to do. Of course I have had summer vacations and breaks here and there. BUt I have never really just taken time to myself and done something relaxing to allow myself to think about my future. I just jumped right into college, right into the teaching mentality and dont really know if this is what I want to be doing anymore.... but how do I decide? Who do I go for to get some encouragement and advice?

I bought a camera. A really nice camera. I listen to music all day every day and I love the atmosphere that comes about with both of these hobbies. I have always wanted to do something with my photography but what? Should I change schools and go somewhere that I can become a photographer and do something that I love to do for the rest of my life...or do I continue to pursue a career as a teacher and have make a difference in the lives of so many individuals. I mean, I can always go back to school to do either thing, but do I really want to start teaching NOW? I don't even know what to do with myself. I second guess my actions every day because I am so confused.

Who do I go to to get the right advice, who can i turn to for some bit of encouragement that will really lead me down the right path, to the life that I can live where I will be happy for eternity and meet people who will give me strength and happiness in the adventures that I endure. I want to spend the rest of my life outdoors, traveling and seeing things that nobody else will see. Can I do this as a teacher? I don't know. I don't know. I may never know.

Please help me.

<3

contemplation

No more worries. He's gone and I feel so much better. I mean the relationship we had, you wouldn't have called it perfect. He was a liar and I am aware of that. I just thought that he was the best. He was my first relationship and as much as I didn't want to let go I had to. For months I had been contemplating on wether or not to just let it go but I could never find the words. I was always 'too scared' and didn't want to be the one to hurt him. My heart is too big to hurt anybody but at the same time I didn't want to be hurt either. I was just waiting and waiting for something to be said. I mean I brought up the conversation in April...and it took until July for something to be said. And during those three months, things got really phishy. I don't want to disclose too much information but things weren't right. Contact was lost for weeks at a time, he was living with his 'girl' friend and was always with her, yet, nothing was going on between the two of them. Things just got really weird and since our lasat mishap I just never fully trusted him again. He isn't the type that can have just one, but it makes me wonder what I could have done to be enough? I mean I did A LOT for him and I gave him everything! Literally. I would give up every moment of every day if I could spend time with him. I went out of my way to spend time with him and try to make plans with him. And now, I finally realize this was not a good relationship. He NEVER initiated coming to see me, he NEVER went out of his way to do something for me, he NEVER paid for me, he NEVER told me the truth about the past. He wasn't honest with me. And the sad part about everything is that I was aware of all of this, it always sat in the back of my mind, yet I never cared. I thought that I was just coming up with stories and that it couldn't be. I had too much faith in him and I thoght that he was the perfect one for me. I mean, he is an amazing person and a good friend. But not ready for a committed relationship.
The day that I got his voicemail saying we needed to talk, I knew something was up. He told me that he felt bad for holding me back from finding someone new and that he wasn't in any state to be in a relationship. But what struck me as surprising was that he told me he felt like he took advantage of me and used me. I'm glad he admitted that to me. And now I have learned my lesson to NEVER spend a penny on a single man. What I am proud of myself for is that I don't miss him. Instead I feel this weight has been removed from my shoulder, I don't have any committment, although I never should have because he wasn't committed to me. And I have NO regrets. I did love him and I did give him every little bit of me but it wasn't fair that I didn't receive that in return.
Now, I need to find my true SUGA BEAR. My true SUGA PIE. Someone who is going to treat me like a Queen. Someone who is going to love every bit of me for who I am. Someone who is going to make me a priority. Someone who is going to surprise me with my favorite smoothie (raspberry!). Someone who is going to show up at my house randomly during the day. Someone who is going to give me my favorite single white rose. Someone who is going to go out of their way to come visit me. Man oh man. I need someone who is going to spoil me rotten. Well maybe not rotten but never ask for or expect me to pay for our dates. I deserve so much more than I received.
Phew! It feels amazing to get all of that out. I am so glad that my friends were there for me when I needed advice, and although they all hated the relationship that I was in, they respected the fact that I needed to learn and to grow from what I was going through. Thank you all for that. The only thing that sucks about this whole situation is that he has the gratification to know that he ended it. I shouldn't have been so scared but I am glad that it's over. I hope that one day whoever he decides is everything he needs, will truly get all of him. He has the potential to be the most amazing husband ever, he just needs to get through the years of having any girl he pleases. He'll be an amazing father too. So whoever that girl is will be lucky but for now, I hope he just doesn't continue to do to other girls that he did to me. Even half the truth is a lie.

sweet escape.

soul searchin...or just job searchin

Woman oh woman... you know how everyone always says "Man oh man" how come they gotta be sexist? I mean obviously many people say it with no intentions in being sexist, it's just the fact that usually everyone refers to a male term when speakin in general, like Man Up, You guys, etc. It drives me nuts!

First off I have to say that TRANSFORMERS IS THE BEST MOVIE OF 2009! I couldn't have been any more pleased with the way that movie was made and everything about it made so exstatic! (beside the kid behind me constantly kickin my chair, even after i asked him to stop) Shia was amazing, Megan was hot and Optimus is my hero! It was well worth sleeping in past my class haha...

My day consisted of job searchin! It really gives me a headache trying to find a job. I think for the fact that I have always gotten my jobs through family connections tha I have rarely had to do this type of thing. I went to like 8 places today that all said that I should come back tomorrow or call in a couple days. What am i gonna do!? I have so much free time on my hands and it drives me insane being stuckk in the darn house, so far from anything! I think I may start doin some guitar lessons on YouTube or something. just to give me some type of educational entertainment. i NEED a job! tomorrow i will be searchin again.

The only exciting thing about today was aceing my first environmental science quiz. I spent like 3 hours preparing for it, watching the powerpoints and doing the reading, and I deserved that A. Plus it was pretty easy! This class is going to be a cake walk! haha

So, getting back to that question I posed yesterday about letting go..I had a conversation with a friend of mine today, who is much older, wiser and more experienced in relationships. She told me that when the time comes for things to be over I will know it. And for the things that are taking places at this very moment, although I might not have the right words to say or know the right approach to the situations right now, it will come when the time is right. And, ironically enouugh, I just read my horoscope and it totally fits in again with this situation. Are they trying to tell me something!?!

You may already be feeling the resistance building in someone close to you and you probably don't like it one bit. Unfortunately, pretending that it doesn't exist will only make matters worse today. You are better off acknowledging a potential problem before it fully develops. If your plans are not adequate, it's easier to reconsider them now, rather than after the fact.

Gosh! Well I don't really have anything else to say. Nothing philosophical or enlightening. I'm pretty much still trying to find myself and a job! I guess that goes in with finding myself really. I hope one day that things become a little bit easier... I hope that I will be able to take my own relationship advice and realize what I should do in this situation because it is really driving me insane. Somebody save me!

g'night all.

a healthy start

Today was the first day of classes. Well actuallt just one class really because I am takin ESCI online and that just doesn't really count to me. I'm gonna try to get it over with sometime next week or at least as much as he has posted. Anyways... i learned some pretty interesting things in Health today that I could directly apply to my life and I think ya'll could too...

First of all I learned that there are 6 Dimensions of Wellness
1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Intellectual
4. Spiritual
5. Interpersonal/Social
6. Environmental

A question that came up when talking about these dimensions was "What does it mean to be Spiritually healthy?"...Of course this should be totally differnt for everyone. Especially me, not being the type to go to church, like a lot of people. But honestly I was really confused by this one. Until my professor told us about something that she had read sometime last week that talked about this... it had said that to be spiritually healthy "One must strive to be the person you were meant to be"...This means we shouldn't go about our days constantly thinking about our actions and how they are going to please other people. So many people worry, constantly, about always pleasing others before themselves. I think that this is me in a nutshell. I always want to make sure that others are happy before I am and after hearing this statement I think that I am going to change this about me. Don't get me wrong, I will still take into consideration others feelings and how what I do will impact them, but I am not going to worry about everyone else before I worry about me and my happiness and my well-being. Phew! I could probably elaborate for days on this but I would like to move on.

I also had to go to an info session about my ESCI 101 class that is going to be an online course. The professor was just going over the syllabus and made a comment that I found to be particularly interesting... he made a comment about how we should be used to blackboard like we are any other blogging or website where you use chat rooms, etc. And how Craigslist has this new fad that is "the lowest common denominator of society"... I was really taken aback by this comment.

Man, something I just had to talk about a bit is my horoscope for the day. It couldn't be more perfect for what i am going through..here it is

---You really don't want to be bothered by the complexity of relationships now, but neither do you want to be alone. Ultimately, you are willing to have a necessary discussion with a close friend or loved one, but you still might do your best to keep the conversation on the lighter side of life. Although plunging into the unknown and being emotionally vulnerable may not be your preference, it could bring wisdom, along with a deeper sense of intimacy.

After I read this earlier I really got to thinking about everything. Like why I am so afraid to let go of something that has been on edge for so long. I feel like I am holding on so I am not lonely like I was for 18 years of my life and that emtional connection just seems to feel so right but at the same time so wrong. What should I do!? I wish there was some relationship goddess that could just fix everything that is wrong. The ultimate question that I have is:

How is it possible to be so in love with someone, never fight and to be so happy when you are with that person BUT at the same time things just don't feel right when you are apart and you know that there is something that is going unsaid!?

well... i thought i should blog my day before i went to transformers at midnight. bleh! hopefully things are on the road to getting better. g'night all.

Day One

Wow. I never thought that I would actually muster up the courage to start blogging. It's hard to allow myself to give everyone the rights to read what is going on in my life but a good friend of mine once told me that "when you write out your feelings and what's going on in your life, you'll feel a lot better, trust me!" and I figure that because I don't really like to write in journals, and since typing is just that much more convenient I will start blogging everything. I feel like this is a way for me to get out my feelings and I never have to worry about the confrontational aspect of telling someone my problems or expressing my true happiness, if I type it out one here, someone, somewhere will read and appreciate and think about me, even if I am unaware of it. :)

Today was a pretty low-key day. I mean besides the ciaos of driving back up to Bellingham for class tomorrow morning, I enjoyed myself. I woke up early this morning to pack and prepare for my trip back up north. Got my oil changed and hit the road! Of course, I had to pit stop in Seattle to spend a few hours with someone I love very much, someone who always knows how to put a smile on my face. :)

Well we just spent a few hours hanging out and eating at Beth's Cafe in Freemont, home of the 12 Egg Omelet. No, I did not attempt to eat this enormous omelet, but I did order the 6 eggers and let me tell you, I probably ate 1 egg! haha it was huge. Well the reason that I am writing about this is because I saw this cafe on the travel channel, and I dont know about anyone else but whenever I watch one of those shows it always seems as if the place is somewhere I will never be able to visit and since this was so conveniently located in Seattle I just had to try it!

It's always hard for me to leave Seattle, because I never know when I am going to get another chance to visit again. We both have very busy and random schedules that it's really hard to schedule a visit but hopefully things will get better soon because I'm beginning to go a little crazy all alone up here!

I found out some news that, surprisingly, didn't upset me but I just have a lot racing through my head. Now I believe there are some things that can be shared on the internet and some things in life that should just be kept private, so all I'm saying is that something happened, it's not the end of the world, but it's definitely life altering! Whew!

Well, with it being 11:42 pm I might want to think about signin out for the day. Eight AM class is a bammer but I have managed the last 2 quarters, maybe I will luck out in the fall with some better class times. Tomorrow it's off to find a JOB! Wish me luck!

G'night!